Hardened Heart

Posted: May 27, 2015 in Life

Do you ever feel like you are doing everything in your power and it still doesn’t feel like it’s enough? Have you ever had someone yell at you for no apparent reason and you get angry at them for yelling at you? Or do you find yourself finding things around the house to get mad about?

Welcome to my world….

I am in need of prayer warriors. I have a lot of anger that is apparently wanting to be released but it never has anywhere to go. Lately, I have been reading the bible, doing a bible study, praying more, etc. Also, I have been searching up a lot on sex trafficking and have found a place in my area that I can volunteer for. So, where the heck is this anger coming from if I am doing everything I can to be and stay with Jesus?  I have no clue!

Why am I even mad? Good question… I don’t have a slightest idea why. I have been seeing things and hearing things that I don’t want to see. The devil has been playing with my mind and I want him gone. I seriously can’t take this anger. This has everything to do with my heart. The devil is working overtime to attack it. (In a way I feel privileged because he will attack when you are doing things Godly but…) I feel alone, lost, confused, hurt, depressed, and the list could go on.   I see other people happy and wonder why can’t I have that? I don’t know where my happy went. There is times when I feel like my husband married the wrong person. I am the wrong person to even be a mother. I wonder why God granted me with motherhood/step-motherhood.

Days go by and I feel like I fail as a mom. I am particular about how chores are done. I like my home to look nice. And if they are not done properly I flip out. I guess all mothers go through this, thinking she is not good enough. Just yesterday my oldest daughter came home after I had checked her room. I saw that she did not dust (moving things kind of dust). I asked if she did and next thing I know we are arguing because she said she did it and I simply said no you didn’t. She asked to look around to make sure she got it and to be honest, I only looked at her T.V. and just said its fine. I was tired of arguing about it. I know she probably only touched on the T.V. but I was not going to finger touch everything to make sure. I am over the arguing.

I am not sure what is going on in my heart but I am over the devil trying to rule over me. I have had enough of this anger bottling up. I am tired of being a “fake” family. It’s time that I smack this devil square in between the eyes and show him who is boss.   I don’t want to be the “fake” family when we are at church or in front of others and not speaking the truth. My heart hurts for the love in our family. How is a family supposed to show love to others when we can’t even love each other in our own home?

It starts with God! I know this and the whole family knows it. But, are we doing anything about it? I am not sure. I have prayed for my heart, I have prayed for my kids, I have prayed for my husband to guide me into the person that I need to be. Do I know if anyone else wants this as much as I do???   Yes and No. I see my husband stressed out because I go to him for advice. And the not getting along he can’t stand. I am not being a submissive wife. I am not being a Godly woman. I am not loving my family the way I should.

This is when pride becomes a factor… I see things differently than others do. Maybe it was how I was brought up in the cleanliness stage of life, but I like things how I like them. So, I decided to just take over all the cleaning of the house except the children’s bedrooms. I apparently want my house clean and I know how clean. Whomever is right or wrong, I am going to swallow my pride and try my hardest to be a better person. I am going to live my life through God’s eyes. I am going to pray harder, study wiser, and get my heart softened.

With that said…   I need you! My prayer warriors! I would love for you to pray for God to soften my heart. To lay His hand on me and guide me into the Godly woman that He intended me to be. To lessen my worry about life, to enjoy it instead of stressing about it, to be loving and caring.

1 Corinthians 13:4-8- Charity suffereth long, and is kind; charity envieth not; charity vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up, Doth not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil; Rejoiceth not in iniquity, but rejoiceth in the truth; Beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things. Charity never faileth:

I hold these verses to my heart. Please keep this in your prayers, if not for me but in your own heart. There is times when we need love more than anything. The world has labeled love differently than God sees love. We should always be seeking for Godly Love not worldly love.

Thank you in advance for your prayers! I hope you have a blessed day and always have God’s love on your side.


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