Time Spent

Posted: May 13, 2014 in Life

family Family Picture 2011

A lot of you may not know my story.  Today this runs a heavy place on my heart and it started last night.  I fought with God to talk about this and well…. God won!!  I don’t know why I even try; I know he is going to win every time.  But, I still manage to have these “are you sure?” conversations with Him.  So Here I go….

Last night we went and saw the movie Moms Night Out.  (BY THE WAY, HIGHLY RECOMMEND).  As I was watching the movie, I found myself jealous of her.  She has a beautiful home, with all her kids and husband all together all the time.  With everything that she went through, I am still jealous of her.  I would love to go through what she went through to have my whole family together all the time.

moms night out

Movie Trailer to Mom’s Night Out          https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q2gnLXW7X-0

You see, I was married once before.  I was 23 and married my high school sweet heart.  Then, we had our son a year later.  Neither one of us were saved, we were not your church going family.  You see my ex and I loved sports and “our” lives were more important.  Then, about 4 years later I left and got an apartment for my son and me.  At that moment I had that awful feeling like this was not right, but I did it anyway.  I “knew” this is what I had to do.

After 4 years of depression, stress, anger, resentment, selfishness, and my list could go on; I met Josh (my husband now).  When we first met you see he was a “bible thumper”.  I remember him lying on my living room floor with the bible open.  I always asked him what he was doing.  After continuous asking, I pulled him away from the bible.

About a year later, Josh and I started having our own problems.  Arguing, bickering, not trusting each other, going through one another’s things, etc.  Then, Christmas of 2011 I went to Northwoods Church in Evansville, IN.  I felt something like a tingling sensation going through my body.  It was kind of like a force field pushing me toward the altar of the church.  Needless to say, I did not go up front.  I was with a friend and I had a reputation to maintain.  During this stage, Josh and I were not on speaking terms.  We were still living under the same roof, but we did not even look at each other.  Then December 26th at 4:30am I went to the emergency room.  I had been having some pain in my lower abdomen for a couple months and finally had enough.  Long story short, I found out I was pregnant, was having a tubal pregnancy and it was killing me.  I had let my pain go on for so long that they could not get a good picture through ultrasound.  Next thing I knew I was being wheeled to the other side of the hospital (Deaconess Woman’s hospital) for an emergency surgery.  I just found out that I was pregnant, Josh and I were not speaking, and now I have to have surgery to get the baby out because it was killing me.  My emotions were all over the place.  See, I was still not saved.  I never walked up to that altar on Christmas day like my heavenly Father was telling me to do.  So, there I was an emotional wreck.  My life was lost, or was it?

After the surgery, Josh and I split up.  But, we both realized during our split that we missed each other.  So, we decided to start going to church together.  (He was going to church somewhere else after we split.)  We started going to church and on January 10, 2012 I met with the pastor (Bobby Pell) at Northwoods Church and was saved.  Then, I made it public and was baptized on January 15, 2012.  Then, January 21, 2012 Josh and I said those wonderful vows to each other.  Josh and I having a marriage Christ Center is what makes our marriage work.  At first, it was hard work.  But, I was doing it on my own.  Now, I have God leading my way. Not myself trying to fix my life.

Now, back to why I am jealous of this mom in the movie Moms Night Out…  What I see is a family together.  They are making memories all the time.  Our family does not have that.  See my husband has a daughter from his previous marriage as well.  We have full custody of his oldest, so she is with us all the time.  We moved to Tennessee in May of 2013.  My son (9, who will be 10 in June) decided he wanted to stay in Indiana with his dad.  This has been hard for me.  I have been through stress, depression, heartache, guilt; you name it I have been there.  I have never missed anything my son has been involved with.  Until, we moved to Tennessee.  I even helped coach whatever he was involved in; I went to his school and read to the class, I even helped the teacher make copies for the next week to come.  And now, I see mother’s having everyday of every second with their children.  I see pictures on Facebook making memories every day.  And I am jealous of every family that has obeyed God and stayed strong in their marriage.  I find myself getting angry at myself and take it out on my husband and step daughter.

IMG_0418      AJ football3

Now, don’t get me wrong, I love my husband and my new daughters that I have in my life.  I believe things do happen for a reason.  And God introduced me to Josh to help my relationship with my heavenly Father.  And to be a mother my husband’s oldest daughter needs in her life.    Since we moved to Tennessee I started working. (Which I missed, but mainly because I was depressed sitting at home.)  We homeschool my husband’s oldest daughter and at times I would find myself worrying about my son.  My attention to help my step daughter was not of my concern.

Then it hit me…I ran into several bible verses and this last one just hit me like a ton of bricks.

1 Corinthians 13:4-8  “Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.  Love never fails.”

This reminds me that God made me strong.  He will never fail me.  Whatever goes on in my life will make me stronger.  Whether it is to have the “wants” I think I need to survive on this earth or feeling lost without my “wants”.  “My wants” are exactly what is says, MY!  But, God knows what I NEED.  HE knows.  He will provide my comfort.  He will take away my pain.  He has provided me with a loving husband and two wonderful daughters.  My family has gotten bigger and brighter than I have ever seen.  Even though my son is not with me daily, my God loves me more and He will always be there daily.  He is with me every second of every day making memories with me.  And with my focus on God daily, my son will see that and it will reflect on him.  I look at it now as, if my son sees me focused on God and it rubs off on my son, then that should be enough for me.  Whatever God’s plan is, I will work full time and be His servant.  (Even when I do not like it.)  This is my life that God has blessed me with.  Instead of me being jealous, I should be blessed by what He has provided for me.  Whether all the kids are with me all the time or not, they know that I love them and I just need to continue to put God first and in their hearts.  That is my job and I LOVE IT!!

IMG_0144-1 karen and me 20140309_135342 20131206_213423 20131221_115910  Making Memories

I write this today for all the families out there.  Whether you are going through a divorce or been through it and remarried, you are NOT alone.  I know a lot of the time I feel alone.  I go to church and see the happy families still together and they do not understand what I am going through.  But, I am here to tell you, YOU ARE NOT ALONE!  God is holding your hand guiding you and there are a lot of other families like me and you.  Just always remember that God has your back.  Just reach out to Him when you feel empty and have that “wish list” pop into your head.  That is what the enemy wants you to think about.  But, God is there to take that “wish list” and fill it with His Love.  Just open your heart and cherish the time you do get to spend with each kiddo.  Whether it is 1 day or weeks.  We are blessed with every second we spend with all God’s Creation.

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Comments
  1. […] that I needed him in my life, just as much as he needed me.  As I posted in one of my last blogs,Time Spent, my husband helped me get closer to God.  I love it when he is on fire for God.  He opens my eyes […]

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