What do you struggle with?

Posted: January 14, 2014 in Life

struggle

Here recently I have been having a lot of battles.  It was not until last night that I realized I had NOT gave them to God.  How could God even slip my mind?  How could I been so distant?  He was not distant from me, I was distant from Him!!! This is what I have been struggling with and what I wrote in a journal entry this morning….

This is hard for me to even admit. I am 34 years old, married for 2 years this month (January) and I have lost all momentum with running. I was an athletic person, played sports, ran, etc. Then in Dec. of 2011 I had a tubal pregnancy and had to remove my right tube and baby that I didn’t even know I had. Ever since then I have had no energy, no motivation, no nothing. Then my husband got a job in Tennessee, we were in Indiana. My son is 9 yrs. old and had him from previous marriage he wanted to stay with dad just because he did not want to be yelled at by him. We moved to Tennessee and then found out for a health screen through husbands work that I have hypothyroidism and PCOS. 2 things that don’t make losing weight and have any motivation. Then, as soon as I got my thyroid going I was running again. Not even a week or two into my running I sprained my ankle helping caring food in for the homeless. It took 3 months to heal. I had to do physical therapy. I am now getting situated with all that. I started running again. Not a week later, I get sick. The coughing, headaches, stuffy nose, no energy flu. As I blow my nose constantly I get impetigo on and around my nose. It is just now healing up.
I have every motivation to start running and eating healthy, but when it comes to the time to do it, it’s like I don’t even care. I am to a point where I have realized that I am depressed, and I don’t even know why? Is it my son? Is it not having friends in this new place I am living? Is it not being able to find work? Is it not having a home instead of an apartment for our kids? Is it because we are still trying to find our church family? IDK!!!! I know I am depressed, I know I need to stay focused on God to get through everything I am going through. Why is it so hard?
I tried reading this book (Made to Crave by Lysa Terkeurst) once before, I got to the 4th chapter and stopped because we moved. Now I can make all the excuses I can and want but I know that is never going to work. I can recite 1 Corinthians 10:13 all day and why does it now just roll off my tongue and I don’t REALLY think about God? What is wrong with me?
I guess I am asking you all to pray for me. I can’t do this alone and I feel I am. The rest of my household doesn’t have to watch what they eat. I have tried making healthier meals but my husband does not like them. (He is extremely picky) I even made them meals and I would have a salad or smoothie for supper instead. I really need a support group and wish I knew people around here to do it with me.
Please pray for me and God will guide me. Pray for strength for me, wisdom to make the right choices, and the courage to fight off the enemy.

I struggle with more than just what I wrote in my Journal.  But, last night I called my husband (he works night shift).  It was the hardest thing I think I have ever did.  Fess to my husband my FAILURES!!! Tell his wife that she is a failure and NEEDS him more than just saying I love you and that you will be there for me.  I needed his counsel, his voice to comfort me, his time!!  I did not realize that I was even showing signs of depression.  The conversation I had with my husband opened my eyes a bit.  Then I woke up the next day…

I started reading the bible and looking up bible passages. I could not get enough of God today.  Then, My husband woke up and we talked some more.  Talking about MY gifts or GODS gifts for me.  See, I want to be an RN, coach volleyball, help orphans, mentor someone, etc.  Well what if those doors are not open for me right now?  What if God’s plan for me is not being an RN?  That has been my dream to help people.  Being in the medical field has always came naturally to me.  I was even in RN school and God shut the door one day.  There are some days that I feel like “Why am I even here? YOU won’t let me do anything I am good at!!!!”  This is when I look back at the words that I have expressed to God.  No wonder He won’t open a door for me.  I am being so selfish and stubborn.  How am I suppose to glorify God if I can’t even stop thinking about ME ME ME ME ME???????

Needless to say my husband and God worked together to open my eyes.  I can keep making excuses after excuse but where is that going to get me?  NO WHERE!!!!  I talked to a friend this evening and I was telling her about what I was going through and the conversation I had with my husband.  I told her it has been hard for me considering I am not really close to anyone living here and I don’t feel comfortable asking people to hold me accountable.  My friend is one I feel comfortable with.  At the end of our conversation She asked me to give her 1 goal for physical growth and 1 goal for my spiritual growth.  I pray that this will help me in my struggles that I am having right now.

Dear Lord,

I come to you today to help me conquer the enemy.  Give me the strength to defeat him.  I don’t want to live the way I am spiritually and physically anymore.  These last couple months creeped up on me and I don’t know what happen.  With that said Lord, Give me the wisdom I need so this never happens again.  Help me to stay on track with you.  Lord, I ask that anyone reading this that has struggles or not to wrap Your arms around them and show them that You are there for them.  Give them the strength they need to get through what they are going through and the wisdom they need to defeat it when it starts to come back.

In JESUS’ Precious Name,

AMEN

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